Paper 2 Feedback

I agree with all of the feedback, my focus has to change in order to address the requirements of the paper. Jackson as an icon is different than the man that I focus on in my draft. I plan on finding a few news articles that convey an image and textual information about important aspects of Jackson's life that make him an icon. I am going to focus on several pictures and their relation to text, and how this changed the audiences view of Michael, the good and the bad aspectsof his life. An icon is someone that we will never forget for their accomplishments and their short comings; I need to embrace all sides of MJ.

Post Secret

My post secret is about by puppy, Smoochie. I wish he was a girl so that I could dress him up in bows and dresses; it's bad enough that I call him Princess. My audience is dog lovers, many dog lovers can probably understand how I'm feeling. I used a big dog head as the main focus of the picture, and I applied bows to his head and neck in order to show how badly I want him to dress him up. In the corner I have a picture of some girl putting her finger over her lips, as if I want them to keep this secret a secret. It makes it seem like this is a really serious secret, when really it's just about my dog. I think the design is simple, making it easy for the audience to relate to my feelings.

Peer Review Number 3

I enjoyed this peer review the most out of all of them. I feel like seeing it from a teachers perspective is different than seeing it from a peers perspective. Kole did a really good job of telling me what I could change or what she liked. I have a lot more work to do, as to my statistics and factual information behind the commercials. Kole had a good idea to maybe look at the behind the scenes of the commercial, because while they are selling only the hair coloring product, they make Sarah Jessica Parker and the girls on the cover of the box look really good.  A customer might think that by buying the product she too will be able to look like Sarah Jessica Parker; I know this is unrealistic but you'd be surprised as to who might actually believe this.

Why Are You Buying Your Food from a Tabacco Company?

This ad on adbusters.org is showing the audience that buying cigarettes is not the only way that we enable cigarette companies. All of the foods shown in the ad are products owned by the same man that owns the Marlboro Cigarette Company. This ad is effective because as the nonsmokers in the audience are obviously against cigarettes, but I'm sure they could name at least 3 things they have bought on this list of foods owned by the Marlboro man. It also makes the nonsmoking audience members feel bad, they had no way of knowing that they were enabling Marlboro; this could change their grocery shopping habits.

Seventeen Magazine Advertisment

Seventeen magazine is aimed for an audience of teenage girls, from roughly 15 to 20; that being said it is filled with clothing, make up, pretty girls, cute guys,etc. all to appeal to their young readers. One ad in this magazine is a Neutrogena ad, and this is aiming to show girls that by looking pretty and using Neitrogena products you can change the world. The first piece of text you see is "Making a Difference in the World Is... Pretty Amazing!", underneath this caption ais a photograph of several pretty girls that are shown using specific Neutrogena products such as their face wash, lip gloss, and mascara. Neutrogena is hosting a Seventeen Pretty Amazing contest, which is looking for a girl that can change the world. This ad was shown twice in the first six pages, and I'm sure it is elsewhere in this edition and several other editions of Seventeen Magazine. The girls in this ad are all very pretty, and the ad makes it seem as if it is due to the Neutrogena products, making girls want to go out and buy Nuetrogena products in order to change the world and be beautiful. This ad has ethos for Neutrogena is a very well known company that is advertised everywhere; it also appeals to the readers emotions, for example a young girl who might have low self esteem could see this ad and think that they could be beautiful and change the world just like these six girls shown on the red carpet. At the end of the day, just because you buy Neutrogena products doe not mean that Seveneteen magazine is going to give you a red carpet make over.

Free Writing

First Draft
Dear Mom,
I knwo we just spoke last night, but I thought I'd put my pen and paper to good use and show you that I really am doing things in college. Phone calls are great and everything, but everyone loves getting mail. I have the strangest story to tell you, so sit down. Last night my friends and I decided to go out and have some fun. Being college students, we are naturally careless and free, not considering the consequences to any of our actions; not to mention it was halloween night so we were ready to party!
We went to the local haunted house and the craziest things happened! We were chased by lions, and tigers, and bears! This haunted house was a real haunted house; this was not one of those fake houses that some low life with too much time on their hands decorated with the halloween spirit. No. This was Mrs. Jenkins house. She died in 1945, due to natural causes, so they say. She was a zoo keeper, and she kept lions, tigers, and bears trapped in her basement. All of her kids died in very strange circumstances, one was pushed down a well, the other was chopped up by an ax... to be continued.


Revised Draft

Dear Mommy,
        I know we just spoke last night, but I thought I'd put my pen and paper to good use and show you that college is teaching me more thanhow to party and play beer pong. Phone calls are great and everything, but everyone loves getting mail. I have the strangest story to tell you, so sit down. Last night my friends and I decided to go out and have some fun. Being college students, we are naturally careless and free, not considering the consequences to any of our actions; not to mention it was halloween night so we were ready to party! We went to the local haunted house and the craziest things happened! We were chased by lions, tigers, bears, and an old lady with an ax! This haunted house was a real haunted house; this was not one of those fake houses that some low life with too much time on their hands decorated due to an excess of halloween spirit. No. This was Mrs. Jenkins' house. She died in 1945, due to natural causes, so they say. She was a zoo keeper, and she kept lions, tigers, and bears trapped in her basement; I thought it was odd at first too, but you know people in Tallahassee are odd anyways. All of her kids died in very strange circumstances, one was pushed down a well, the other was chopped up by an ax, needless to say they were all murdered in mysterious ways... to be continued.

1) Do I care about this subject?
I mean I care about telling my mother about my day, and the strange happenings that I endure in this crazy college town.
2) Don't Ramble.
I didn't really even finish, so there's no room for rambling.
3) Keep it simple.
I don't have many complex sentences, sure things are there to fluff it a bit, but what story doesn't have a bit of fluff?
4) Cut.
See revised version.
5) Sound like myself.
I call my mom, mommy still. I should change that.
6) Say what you mean to say.
I was working on getting to the point of the story, what i want to say is not on there yet.
7) Pity the readers.
It is fairly easy to read.

Cinderella

Once upon a time in a college far far away, lived a young college freshman named Cinderella. Cinderella lived in a dorm on campus, and she had two evil roommates; they constantly lock her out of the room, they leave a mess all over the place, they forget to unlock the bathroom. Needless to say, they're very messy and rude,  and have no consideration for Cinderella. One day there was a homecoming dance, and Cinderella desperately wanted to go. As she was getting ready, she noticed that her roommate took her dress. Cinderella was in tears! She was convinced that she could not go to the dance, and she cried in her room. Her RA over heard her crying, and came to see what was wrong. When she heard Cinderella's story, she offered to let her borrow one of her dresses and a pair of shoes. Her RA reminded her that she had to be back by 12:00 am, due to her 8:00 am class the next day.
Cinderella arrives at the dance and meets her prince charming, an upper classmen who plays football and is the homecoming king. Cinderella isn't the only girl after Prince Charimg, all of the other freshmen were competing for his attention. He danced with Cinderella all night. All of a sudden she heard the bell, and she realized that it was 12:00 and she had to run home. CInderella got all the way back to her dorm, and she realized that she forgot her student ID, and her name was worn off so she knew that she would never find it. Prince Charming found the ID, but he couldn't idenitfy her, he only knew what dorm she lived in. For weeks he searched every room in her dorm, until he finally found her! And they lived happily ever after.